Losing the Fight

Hi. I am so sorry to hear that on top of the pain and everything else you have to go through this. I had a somewhat similar situation... when i was younger my mom had a real addiction to pain killers. She would steal any we might have in the house, call in scripts in our names, doctor shop. It was so sad... she became a totally different person when she was high. She was just so depressed. When she took the pills i think it released some of her pain. Growing up i was always a little angry at my dad for not stopping her.. i felt he was enabling her and i was always so scared for her. Some pretty scary and dangerous things happened. But my father felt he had to be silent because he was a doctor as well. He believed it would have ruined him professionally. Now that i am older, maybe he is right. I tried everything.. even refused to let her see her grandchildren if she didnt get help. Nothing worked until the day she got a letter in the mail from her doctor confronting her and telling her if he found out she filled another script he would call the police. She quit cold turkey that day. It was one if the best days of my life. I know it saved her life. We went on to be the best of friends until she recently passed away from cancer. I am hoping you can find a good solution for the both of you... i would hate for you to havebto suffer in pain , and remember, a true addict will get it no matter what you do.. they have to want to stop. Maybe you can leave it with a friend you trust that would be wiling to bring just one pill at a time to you when you need it until you guys can figure this out. Hopefully she will be willing to try to get some help if she loves you as much as you love her. Thinking of you.. here if you would like to vent. Take care of yourself.

Hey Ben!
So sorry for this. I too take pain killers for my pain. Sometimes more than I should, sometimes not as many as I have. I know all too well what you are going through. It helps the pain but I feel I am in control as well. My husband though, he has an addiction all his own. Alcohol. He deals with my situation with alcohol. From the minute - and I mean minute, he pulls in the driveway, he walks from his car straight to the garage fridge and opens a beer. Before he even enters the home he has slammed on and is on the second one.

Ben, I know its because of me. A way to deal with my whole situation. I cannot do much at all - I am restricted to bedrest 90% of my day. It sucks. But that is my life. I have accepted most of it for myself, but I struggle with my little kids. That is hard, to see the affects of my disability and then as well as their fathers alcoholism. There are times, he is too out of it to get them what they need and they come to me, crying. I feel I am to blame. It is all my fault. I struggle with the fact that if I weren't like this, he wouldn't be suffering as well.

I don't know what to do either. he is a good father, when he isn't drunk.
He pretty much knows when he can and cannot drink and never drinks at work etc. He is more of a home binger.

He still can get up and hold a job and take the kids to sport practices and friends homes etc. He isn't like he is never there for them. Its just, it would be easier on them, to not see their father out of it laying in the recliner snoring with a beer in his hand and if he comes too he just tell them to leave him alone......

They want more than just me to read with them or help them with homework or school projects. They want more than me to help the shower or get ready for bed. He is always gone by that time.

I miss him. Not just the kids.

I can't blame him, I just want him to get help but he doesn't think he needs any help.

You take much less pain meds then I do. my scrip is 5 times of yours. I still function. As much as I can in my condition. I have 3 broken vertebra 2 cracked. I suspect more now. My discs slide around when I move and when I am upright they cannot support my spine and my nerves become pinched off and the pain is unbearable, i have even passed out from pain.
Never again - I have learned my lesson. Now I am afraid I will pass out again so I have anxiety and agoraphobia so bad i can hardly leave my house.

Its not easy, but it could be always be worse. I wish your wife would see how it is hurting you and the kids. Like I wish my husband would. But I understand how hurt my husband is and I know its a copeing mechanism because of me. So, i have the guilt trip too.

If you ever want to talk - I am here too. I don't like to dwell on the negatives but they too must be dealt with. A good way to start to lessen the pressure of the negatives on our souls is to speak to others - share struggles and gain strength from each other. hoping there is an end and a way to get that happiness we all long for.

I can tell you though - you wife really doesn't take that much. It could be worse. I go through 180 vicoden a month and 60 oxycontin. Just for my pain. It doesn't take all my pain away, but that is our goal (my dr and me) to just take that edge off so I can still function with my kids. Even if its from my bed most of the time.

Be good to yourself, k?

(((hugs)))
God be with you and bless you and your family,
jeanna