Have a question for anyone with a brain injured spouse.....A PERSONAL ISSUE

While it must be easy to rationalize that he does this due to his brain injury, so is it truly fair to judge him-my answer would be, this is his new reality as well as yours and this behaviour is dangerous and wrong, so you have every right to walk away and distance yourself from it. While it must feel completely unfair to have to make this decision, it comes down to this, if you went back would his actions change at all?

-CK

Hi CK: Thx so much for responding!

NO!!!! His actions will never change. I do think, he is making a conscious choice here regardless. Do you see it this way???? His TBI is not driving his car to the massage parlour.....He is. I just could really use some others' opinions here. You see, prior to his TBI, he was into porn, which hurt me then even, and in which we sought numerous counselors for then. Then after his TBI, things escalated to much worse. Some of my friends and family say, "well he can't help it, he has a brain injury".....does this mean I'm just supposed to endure this? and be a doormat? I DON'T THINK SO!

You're right this is our reality now. My reality. And the reality is this. I cannot live with a husband who is doing these things. If he were paralyzed from the neck down from his brain injury I would never leave him. But adultery is my limit.

Thanks again very much for writing. I'd really like to hear more about how you see it or from anyone else too.

Violet~

He may not be able to help it, he may not be able to understand that it hurts you or control his impulses, but it is what it is... he is a different person than when you met him... and I mean that in a way that it's not superficial... he is a different person and this person is unable to care about what you need or feel.

there was a woman I saw once in a documentary who had been paralized from the neck down, Her husband ended up divorcing her after a few years and I heard a lot of people who were angry at him but he didn't leave her because of her disability or even because the disability became worse after she made some dangerous medical decisions against medical advice... her persoanlity changed in a way that made them no longer compatable... she was conscending and targeted her anger in unhealthy ways and continued to make decisions that effected both of their lives and the life of their child without concideration of their feelings or safety.

While he was understanding that she had changed as a result of her disability and she felt it necessary or couldn't help behaving how she was, he decided (as I think I would have too) that her behavior and new persoanlity made it necessary for him to kindly move on with his life and let her move on with hers.

have you had therapy to help you work through this? I am sure there is a lot of guilt involved in this decisions.

Recent research findings by Drs. Patrick J. Carnes and Mark Laaser have found that injuries to the prefrontal lobe and/or frontal lobe of the brain (the area right behind the forehead) are related to impulse control disorders, including addictions, later in life. The frontal lobe is where the pleasure centers of the brain began, and then they wind their way back to the amygdala, which is in the center of the brain, next to the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus, the master glands of the endocrine system, a system which includes the testes and adrenal glands for a man. Both of these glands produce the male sex hormone, testosterone. The amygdala also sits atop the limbic system, which helps control emotions. So damage to the prefrontal and/or frontal lobe of the brain can also affect the functioning of the pituitary gland and hypothalamus, which in turns affects the production of testosterone. And it can also affect emotional response. At least that's the theory for now. More research is needed to confirm all of these connections and relationships. Incidentally, the pleasure centers of the brain are the areas that are responsible for the psychological addiction which is a part of all impulse control disorders and addictions.

In the same research study I mentioned above, it was found that any sort of spiritual discipline, spiritual formation, and/or spiritual exercises can act to transform the brain, and I'm talking about real, true anatomical changes for the better. So maybe if you can get your husband interested in some type of a spiritual program (prayer, meditation, contemplation, yoga, tai chi, etc.) it can correct whatever damage was done by the brain injury. And if this doesn't work, at least it will give him another tool to help him center and calm himself when he starts to get worked up over something. So either way, it sounds like a win-win situation to me.

I don't know if you're a spiritual person or not, but Dr. Laaser is a licensed clinical psychologist and an ordained Protestant minister. He believes that this spiritual discipline idea is exactly what St. Paul was talking about in the New Testament book of Romans 12:2 -- "Do not be conformed to the world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind". Certainly something worth thinking about.

Thank you Charlie! Yes, I am a Christian, and my faith has truly sustained me in all I've been through, and is now. We always attended church together weekly as a family, now my husband goes on occasion, but I don't think he cares, he just goes for show. He'll let me know if he went some Sunday, but frankly I could care less. We're separated, and I don't care what he does anymore.

At this point, I am so thru with counseling or doing one more thing to try to help him. Been there done that, so much so, I'm exhausted. He can live his life how he wants. I just know adultery I cannot tolerate. Nuff said.

Thanks for writing~

CK:

Your post above was very good! Thank you! I look at like this sometimes:

If your husband has a brain injury and beats you up once a week, causing bruising, etc. does a wife say, "I love my husband, but he beats me up once in a while, but he can't help it because he has a brain injury, so I just stay with him".

NO WAY!!!!!

It's taken me 12 years now to really KNOW this is my new reality, and to discipher how to proceed???? I guess it took me this long to grieve the loss of the man I married, and accept my new reality. I tried everything, all stages of grief, now I'm at the acceptance phase. 12 years later.

My h's injury was the right frontal lobe.

Neurologist said 3 years post accident, the brain is as recovered as it ever will be.

I do pray for a deep conversion and spiritual enlightenment to happen to my husband. God only knows. This will help him in his life going forward. Unfortunately it will be without me. I cannot endure anymore. I am so glad he does not live with me anymore and our children. He was abusive, emotionally, verbally, psychologically, incredibly disrespectful to me, and still is. The least I see him, the better. I am trying these days to figure out who I am, after 25 years of marriage to a man I once was madly in love with. I am trying to figure out how to be happy, how to be a good single mom, what job to do, etc.......I am going to a domestic violence support group, in individual therapy, and go to church, my faith sustains me. No one can possibly imagine all I've been through.

But the past is just that, the past, the future awaits, and it will be good!

Thank you for writing everybody!
Violet~

violet - i too have a brain injured spouse, who's innappropriate behaviour (although not intended) has landed him in trouble with the law. we're all devestated, and he's probably going to jail for his mistake. he was unfaithful to me a few years back, and counselling had me see that his actions were not because of our relationship, but because of his inability to filter the risk factors and the responses of others, to his actions. Then 3 yrs later, he said the wrong thing to the wrong person, and bang, he's in big trouble. he too was into the internet and stayed up late at night with internet websites and "friends" that would chat with him. then he took it to a personal level, and met up with a couple of women from his "web world" - i caught him, and he was ashamed, and relieved that he was found out. i (for some reason i can't fathom) couldn't leave, and have worked with him, to figure this out. we changed our lives, moved to our dream location, and had 2 more great years together, until the police showed up at our door. he was concussed again that summer, and thats what we figure caused him to act innapropriately. problem is the crown doesn't care he has an injury, and will sentence him to jail time. be very careful, if you forgive your spouse, he may not be capable of discerning the damages his inablity to filter illegal or immoral behaviours can do to you & him. if you can't see the man you fell in love with, beyond the behaviours, and if he's not sorry, and remorseful, then you have done right by your own admission in separating. somedays i wish i had left him back in 2007 when this started, maybe he wouldn't be in trouble now, if that were the case. but i still love him, and support him, even though he's going to be taken away from me soon. i recognize he's not completely in charge of his own actions, and although that scares us both, because its still possible he could do something worse next time, but i think maybe now we know there's a brain injury, (we didn't before - he was told he had epilepsy) we can get him the help he needs. i'm still with him, i love him, and i support him, even though people might think i'm mad to. i still see the man i fell in love with before this all happened. sometimes it hurts so much just to keep loving him, but i can't see my life without him, and i'll wait to see what kind of life we can reconstruct after he's done his retribution to the courts. its agony, but he's still alive, its not fatal, and we'll get through it. sorry if that sounds awful, but i have had 18 months of this torture to figure out why i'm still here.

Hi sweets-

You have gotten some amazing feedback, but it comes down to this, if you have given your marriage your all (which it seems you have) and the reality of your situation will not change, it is completely within your right to want to part ways. You should not feel guilty or be made to feel guilty, he is engaging in behaviour that is wildly innappropriate and frankly I give you a lot of credit for hanging around for as long as you have. I would consult a lawyer as to how to best proceed based upon the situation, being a caretaker is one thing, being a caretaker for a consumate cheater is another.

Hugs-
CK

Thank you CK! Yes I have given it my absolute all! And then some. For 12 years now. And hi "Redloui," nice to meet you and I really appreciate hearing your story. I wanted to tell you, that as far as being in trouble with the law, YES, I've been down that road with him too, costing him a very good job, being arrested, being on probation for 5 years, then costing him 3 more good jobs, losing our medical insurance, and putting our family and our home in total and complete irreversible financial ruin. I wish I had left him several years ago, right after his arrest, because it's been all downhill ever since. I will not put myself and my children in this man's care any longer. I cannot trust him past my nose. He, as I said, is non-repentent, non-remorseful, over his cheating escapades, and honestly shows no compassion as a human being, rather, the opposite. He knows full well what he is doing, he is making conscious choices, and he doesn't care about the consequences or who he hurts. This is the major difference I believe about a brain injured spouse who has glimpses of sanity, and honestly is trying, and knows he is hurting his wife, and a brain injured spouse who could care less. My husband once told me when I was sobbing after finding out about his cheating, "I wish I could feel what you are feeling, but I can't." I cannot live with a shell of a cold-hearted man any longer who cheats on me, brain injury or no brain injury.

My husband also is a complete liar and deceiver, going behind my back, and doing horrendous things, then completely denying it, or making up some ridiculous story. This is probably different than your situation redloui. And I hope it is different for you, and NOT like this. I feel in a way his character was always this way, then with his brain injury these traits were 10 times exaggerated. In essence, my life has been shere hell for the longest time now, BUT, I honestly still loved him, stuck by him, etc. all the while being tromped on in the process. I feel only pity for him left, any morsel of romantic love is completely gone. Believe me, I loved him through a lot, until finally, a light went on in my head, and realized I was being severely abused, and I do believe God is slowly getting me out of a horrible horrible situation. I can't even believe I am strong enough to even write this now.

Redloui, I wish you the best with your husband. How do you handle his cheating though? Would he have done such a thing before his TBI? See for me, this was the total dealbreaker. For it violates the marriage vows in their entirety.

Regards~
Violet~

CK: Oh I forgot to close with this, YEP, I will NOT be a caretaker of a consumate cheater!!!!! Well put CK!!!!! Exactly right! You read my mind!